Is this my purpose, God?

Isn't that what we're all after? Don't we want to permeate that emptiness inside with something fulfilling? I've always been thirsty for something more, never feeling quite satisfied with anything I have ever attempted in my entire life. I received validation from my writing earlier as an adolescent, but I wasn't ever confident enough in it to let others in enough to read it. A lot of it was dark and murky, bred from a childhood that housed more bad than good memories. I wish I could go back to that blossoming, articulate wordsmith and tell that young lady to keep forging ahead and to open herself up more. Her future could have been a lot different.

But now here I am with you fine people, just opening up my soul and uncovering the layers of my inner atmosphere one onion peel at a time. Speaking of onions, I'm a deeply emotional person guys and gals, and today I went to the theater to see I Can Only Imagine, which was hands down one of the most inspiring films I have seen maybe ever. GO. SEE. IT. Be sure to bring all of the tissues you can find or it might do you more good to just bring a big ol' roll of Angel Soft with you because you WILL use the entire thing. For those of you who don't know the song and have been living under a rock since 2001, this movie gives the back story of the origins of the triple platinum song by MercyMe and chronicles lead vocalist, Bart Millard's abusive childhood and his fight to overcome not being good enough in the eyes of his father, the music industry, and in his life as a whole. I found this movie to be extremely relatable and it truly resonated with me. Like Millard, I have been seeking redemption my entire life. I have been running from my past and burning bridges as fast as I could form them, being careful not to ever let anyone too close for fear of getting wounded and feeling like that little lost girl from my youth. I honestly thought I could operate this way forever, that this was just who I was. I needed to carry that armor that gave me the shelter I felt was necessary to hide away all of the shameful ugliness I have either experienced or conjured up for myself. I guess you can all speculate how well that has worked out for me so far. It's left me feeling a whole lot like my soul has been a pretty accurate representation of a flashing vacant sign for an old motel with too many stories to tell, only contributing to the void I have never been able to fill.

So, back to purpose and redemption. I have tried just about every avenue I could find to put me on my path to purpose. I am 37 years old (38 next month and I need to know when this clock will start to turn counter clockwise please and thank you) and it wasn't until this past Wednesday that I opened up my heart enough to God to hear what he has been trying to tell me my entire life. I have been surrounded and encompassed by mental illness and suicide since birth. It runs rampant in my family and has slowly torn us apart. I have watched it eat away at the ones I love until it has either taken them away completely or just made a them into a shell of who they once were, hiding behind a mask they had created because they were too afraid to admit to a world they knew wouldn't accept them that they were not well. That bleak infinity of black is a very powerful thing and it will swallow you whole and spit you back out a shadow of yourself if you let it. I was much like you might be; I distanced myself from it and was cold to it. Then one day, after bringing life into this world and watching the plague I had always done my best to avoid, infect the innocent light her father and I created, I came to see I would never be able to shake it. It had always been there and it was here to stay. I will save her whole story for another time, because the meat and potatoes of that will be something you'll have to simmer over after hearing, because it's pretty overwhelming. I've been called to tell my story and her story and I intend to do that through this blog. He is also calling me to bring awareness to these overlooked matters and I really hope that I can bring change from doing that. I'm a sinner just like you and my list of sins runs through eternity I'm sure, but I also cling to the hope that I can find some restitution in those sins through my calling.

By the way, I want to extend a virtual hug to each and every one of you who are supporting my endeavor with this blog. Those who know me can tell you this is not something that I am comfortable with doing, not in the least, but growth doesn't come from comfort. If that is the case, my 5'2" stature should currently be shooting up like that magical beanstalk Jack had in his backyard, because I am still feeling like I might projectile vomit over my calling every five seconds of the day. Until next time...

Constant Kindness Can Accomplish Much