I lost it in our local coffee shop today. Like all out bawling, collapsed on my fiancée's shoulder because life got way too large real fast just after one of my walls I had built so long ago started to crumble. I have no doubt that the people surrounding us thought I had completely lost my marbles, but I couldn't even care about that. It felt like the world was trying to swallow me up whole in one instant and I had no earthly clue what to do about it.
Josh and I had what was supposed to be our first premarital counseling session this morning, but it somehow turned right into an outpour of the heaviness I have been carrying around inside me. These sweet Christian people heard me unload about how I got a DUI and actually went to JAIL (yep, not my finest moment) when my life started to really unravel through trying to carry every burden I had all by myself. If you feel you need to judge me for that, please revert back to my last blog. They had to hear the story of Kayleigh and how we got here to where we are now. How I lost my job I had for ten years as the loose ends of the rope were beginning to unwind. I exposed a few shattered pieces of my story, but it inched open what led to the flood gates bursting forth this afternoon.
I talked about the scarlet letter of judgement in my last blog and how it works to rip us apart, but there is another animal that seeks to destroy us as well. Pride. That one has been my biggest enemy I've come to realize. It's been eating at me my entire adult life. I'm not really sure why either. Maybe it's because I have always felt I had something to prove. I didn't have some stellar upbringing and I took my place in the herd of black sheep like I thought I was supposed to. I've always kinda admired that about myself though, being a misfit. Don't get it twisted though, I'm one of the Messiah's misfits and He loves me for all of my weirdness and because I trip over my own feet more than the average person. I don't ever want to be stereotyped or caged in some box that doesn't allow me to be who I am. I have only just recently loved myself enough to embrace it though in the past few years. I made up my mind a long time ago that I would just do it all on my own, at all costs. Now that is not to say I haven't had help. I've had some pretty incredible people show up in different ways, some that I still owe debts to. I'm eternally grateful to those folks for offering their hand to lift me out of the quicksand I somehow managed to get myself sucked into. What I mean is, I didn't believe I needed a support system.
We'd be here all night if I went through every story you need to hear to fully understand why I felt that way and I know you hard working folks are tired from your day, especially on a Monday. Let's just say that in my jaded perception of the world and the people scurrying around in it, I just assumed I'd be a lot better off with no one to answer to or hold me accountable when I failed at something. That also meant there would be no one to help me celebrate my victories or hold my hand when life got tough. And boy did it get all kinds of jacked up. So I lived my life that way and I burned bridges, destroyed relationships, spent a lot of time alone when I needed desperately to be surrounded. But you see, I had conditioned myself to believe the terrible lie that I could handle everything being thrown at me all on my own and I didn't need anyone else to do it. Do you know the situations I could have avoided if I had accepted the assistance I needed and deserved or had the right people there at the right times? It makes me physically sick to think about.
You must find your people and we all need therapy for something. I wanted to separate that into two different sentences, but they work simultaneously for me. I have been in and out of counseling mainly because the madness that took over my life caring for a child with special needs and a mental health disorder put her needs in front of mine. I had a pretty massive slap in the face today telling me I need to talk to someone outside of my life more than I knew when I woke up this morning. There are things a glass of wine (who am I kidding, an entire bottle), a neat shot of whiskey, or whatever your poison is just can't cure. You may think they can, but it's a temporary numbness that only opens you up to accepting more and more of the disbelief that you can take on whatever comes your way. You can work out and do two-a-days to clear the mud in your mind, but it will still be there when you're lying in bed, beat down and sore. Not to say physical activity doesn't contribute to therapy and isn't a form of it. I absolutely believe it is and am a huge proponent of fitness. What I'm talking about is complete and total wellness and that starts by healing from the inside out. Don't be afraid to admit your life is in shambles or at least one area of it is and you need someone to come in and help you pick up the pieces. Don't sit there in your misery alone. PLEASE. It will lead to a chain of events that only make everything so much worse. Each and every person on this planet is going through SOMETHING. No one has it "all together". They just don't. You don't have to ashamed of your something, whatever it is.
I'm going to keep seeing these premarital counselor people, for their advice on how this incredible man who asked me to marry him and I can be better for each other as we move towards the union of our souls before God and thereafter, but also apart from that. I want to be better for me. I deserve to be the best version of myself. I've been waiting my entire life for the blessings I have now and for what lies ahead. I believe there are great plans for me that might even surpass my own understanding. I am being shaped and molded to help others. I've got some work to do before I can do that to my full potential and that's totally okay. That's the best part about it. As a human being, I get to wake up every single day and work to be better than the day I was before. That will never end until I am called home.
One more thing. I talked to my girl today for the first time since our last court appearance. She sounded GOOD you guys. She likes it there and there was a calmness in her voice I have not heard in a very long time. I'm looking forward to our journey in healing together. I don't mind you continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers though. In fact, I urge you to do that for us. This whole release today may open up a lot more time spent on here sharing with all of you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to sit here with me and I hope that whatever your struggle is, these words help you in some small way. Constant Kindness Can Accomplish Much.