I may lose my daughter. She may become a statistic. Let that sink in just a minute. Sounds pretty dramatic to you I'm sure. Not to me. It's my reality. Is that what it takes to be heard? Will her life have to be sacrificed to wake those that seem to be walking around asleep? Will you share those posts people that love us will make when she returns to me in a body bag from becoming a victim of sex trafficking or when one of the attempts she makes to take her own life is finally successful? Will that hit home? What if it was YOUR child?
I am typing these words in a Starbucks beside the residential facility my seventeen year old bipolar daughter is currently in for suicide ideation and attempt. Again. This will be the seventh psychiatric residential treatment facility she has seen in three years. These places have revolving doors for her. She knows what to say to get in and out of them. My child is not getting better, only worse. I've exhausted all options, at least all that I know of. I am her only real advocate and I know she needs so much more than she is getting. I have shouted from the rooftops that this isn't enough, that she is in constant danger from herself and others. I have said these things with urgency, through choked up sobs, through curse words and anger. NO MORE. I will not be passed off any longer. I am done talking to what ends up being closed doors. There are laws that must be changed or we will continue to watch our children and those that we love disappear. There are better systems of care to be built, more ideas to share, a quality of life more deserved than this for those who choose to live in the shadows because they don't know how to live in the light. There isn't much I have not tried to save her, but to no avail. I even did what God told me to do for a certain period of her life and "let go" to see if maybe she would see that the way of life she insisted upon living was less than acceptable. Judge me if you so choose, but when the only thing law enforcement can do is tell you, "Ma'am, all we can really do is bring her back home if we can locate her" after she has run away for the fiftieth time, every resource you reach out to fails, and there aren't proper support systems in place, you tell me what you would do. Bless their hearts, they must have gotten so tired of my incessant calls.
Let me tell you when life gets real. It's a whole different ballgame when you have to hold your hand up to a bulletproof window visiting the baby you once comforted through brain surgery in JAIL on more than one occasion. What's worse than that? Knowing that you can't get her out because she is in the safest place she can possibly be. You see, the systems in place to help her are only hurting her. You go to bed and pray for peace because the only truth you know is that at least tonight she won't be coerced into a car with a man telling her how pretty she is whose intention is to sell her for sexual exploitation. My child is unwell and the vitality she should have in her young years seems to be fading. I desperately just want my child to be happy and find her normal. Don't we all deserve that?
I have done an immense amount of taking my own personal inventory and put into practice every form of self development I can get my hands on since she has been away at Elks Aidmore, after relinquishing temporary custody over to the state of Georgia because the programs that would be available to her were supposed to be better suited to help her. I was gravely mistaken. She is not getting better. I am working diligently to build a life for my family that is fulfilling and pleases God. I have embarked on the road to entrepreneurship so that my schedule is flexible to accommodate whatever my children need. I have found my support system and they are there to stand as my army through whatever life throws at us. I have felt the calling to stand on the platform of mental health and raise awareness for quite some time. Chaos that I could not avoid has kept me from it along with taking the time to prepare myself for what all it would entail. God has started to align my path where He has always meant for it to go and I will follow.
This journey is not one I have documented much on social channels as of late because I have chosen to focus on the blessings in our lives and have worked hard to find beauty in the ashes. Our story needs to be heard though and I know that now.
Do me a favor tonight when your kids have fallen fast asleep. Go kneel beside their beds and pray protection over them. They need it. For just a minute, pretend you are me and that your child is Kayleigh. I will not be able to reach out and touch her hair while listening to a cadence of breath that tells me she is at rest. I do not know what the voice on the other end of the next phone call I get about her will say. This feeling of helplessness is not acceptable. I am no longer waiting on the world to change. I'm going out there to change it myself. Will you join me or continue to sit in ignorant bliss?
