I've gotta get something off of my chest I've been carrying around for a few days. I have prayed intensely about it. In my pride and selfishness, I wanted to immediately retaliate with the words I felt at that time. Let me tell you, they were not kind words and they weren't church words either. It's been relayed to me that in no certain circles, there may be those of you who feel I should not have let Kayleigh go into residential treatment, that if it were your child that you would not have made that choice. How could I just give up on her you ask? Why didn't I keep her home and guide her through this traumatic event? These kinds of questions literally had my blood boiling that anyone would even THINK to ask them. Fine, maybe think them, but certainly not ask them out loud. I've been just furious about it. But the more time I had to stew over it, the more I began to realize something. These people have not walked in my shoes. How can I expect them to understand why I had to do this? It's pretty unfair of anyone to pass these sort of statements around, but I suppose it is also thoughtless of me not to see the grass from their side of the fence either. I also recalled all of the times I participated in the gossip mill. The sins others commit are always so easy to discuss, but when I started to sit back and evaluate my own, I felt like an ass. Yes, I said ass because there really isn't a better word and sometimes I use words that are frowned upon in church. This is yet another transgression on a long list I am making slow progress on. Moving on.
I found grace in the processing of how this made me feel. I know I will receive a lot of flack in the days to come because I am standing firm in the task God has set before me. I know he wants to use me to uncover the darkness and shed light where most think it cannot exist. I am not entirely sure what all that will encompass or what it even really means at this point, but when He puts something on your heart, He is RELENTLESS in the pursuit. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and I don't go back to sleep. That blog about Jesus and caffeine. Real life talk. I know I will have to face a lot of my own sins in this as well, it's already starting. I'm okay with that too. There isn't anything anyone could say that would tear me away from what I was meant to do, so take your best shot. I have and will lose friends, whether it be from my own fault, or just the natural order of the way the world works, and I'm at peace with that. I can no longer sit in the every day, normal constraints life requires us to. What I feel in my heart I have to do makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, but I know I have to do it. Period.
I used to think of grace as a poised movement. I had always dreamed of being a ballerina when I was younger, mainly because I have walked on my toes since I took my first steps and still embarrassingly do so today. Grace looks a lot different to me now than it once did and holds a larger than life meaning these days. I know I don't deserve God's grace, I am undeserving and unworthy. He gives me favor where I fall short. So I forgive you too, for making comments on a situation you have not lived through and I pray that you never do. I know I am doing the right thing for my daughter and for my family. It doesn't have to make sense to you and I am sure you have enough in your own life to worry with. If we spent more time in self reflection and less in the business of others, we would get a lot farther in this life. I'm just as guilty of it as you are, but I recognized it and took a real good long look in the mirror. If we extended our hands out to help those in these circumstances that we do not understand, then maybe we could see a different side and become a little more enlightened to what exists outside of our own lives. Short and sweet this time. I had to get rid of the knot in my throat so I could swallow the ugliness and put it behind me.