How many times have you said to yourself, my life merits having its own reality tv series? No but really, mine does or at the very least, I absolutely need to write a book about it. I promise it would be a page turner and one that would invoke just about every emotion we as humans must endure. I haven't touched this blog since last April. I don't have not one excuse for that other than I've found something else to do instead every single time I said I would sit down and pour my thoughts and feelings out on a white screen and share it with a whole bunch of folks I don't know all that well. Some of you I do and most of what comes out of here you have already heard and you've either sat with me while I cried about it, laughed with me because we just didn't know what else to do or say and sometimes laughter puts bandages on wounds you just don't know how else to begin to heal, or maybe you've just listened to my word vomit and for that I want to say thank you from the depths of my heart. Writing is my thing, I love it, but at the same time it frightens me nearly to death because it forces me to expose myself in ways that make me feel completely naked and deal with things I sometimes think would be best left buried. I know I need to do more of it because it is a passion and always has been. I won't go back since April and try to fill in all of those immeasurable moments that fueled a myriad of life altering experiences and memories that I will eternally treasure and some, more than I'd like to admit, that have been more comparable to stepping stones that remind me that my mission to wake up each day and strive to seek after becoming a better human than the previous day is alive and well. I've had to tweak that a few times. Still have to honestly. I've been one broken person y'all, a mess really. Half the time, I don't know what in the Sam Hill I am doing. All I can tell you is that I have seen impressive improvements in who I was not too long ago and who I am today.
Those are the sentiments that are supposed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and speak those inspirational words we all want to hear because that's what we really want, to improve who we are and achieve self-sustaining happiness, whatever that may be to the individual. I'm still trying to figure that out too, happiness. This adult thing isn't really my jam. I've never been real good at conforming and have done a whole lot of mastering the mind of a chameleon, blending in with my settings because I was always too afraid of showing the brilliant palette of colors I possess. I haven't ever "fit in" and have always been one to see a situation from every angle. I thought those two things would make me a pretty good parent. I just knew the extensive mathematical equations that made up my convoluted childhood and a pretty mixed up early adulthood would be foundations of mistakes not to make. Break the cycle you know? Instead I watched patterns play out in my life I swore never would. Stifling who I really was and who God has meant for me to become has been extremely toxic for me and I have found myself dealing with situations in ways my genetics said I was supposed to. All the while, I knew there was this tremendous light inside. This fire that life couldn't put out no matter what it threw my way. Lucky for me, I had some sort of breakthrough in the last year and a half that has allowed me to finally start working towards my potential. I've got a long way to go though.
Today I picked up my oldest daughter, Kayleigh, from the police department (we'll save the details of this particular story for another time when I can once again reiterate why I need my own television series) and then followed her as she was taken in a car whose blue lights weren't warranted for this particular transport to another hospital (she's been privileged *insert sarcasm here* to see the inside of so many for various reasons) to once again be told, "Ma'am, we really don't know what to tell you to do with your child."I suppose you can probably guess this isn’t the first time we’ve been here. If you aren't familiar with her story, feel free to visit previous blog posts. You've got some catching up to do. Today's series of events were along the lines of her refusing to get in my car when I picked her up from the station and making a pretty intense scene in the lobby and outside in the parking lot. Three different officers couldn't talk sense into her. As protocol always goes, she was sent to the ER for an evaluation which this particular hospital wasn't much equipped to administer. There is a whole heaping portion more I could tell you about today, such as she left walking from the emergency room and when she finally decided she would come home hours later only if she was escorted there in an officer’s car and negotiated with the same officer to also reward her terrible behavior by picking her up Dairy Queen on the way home, but really what you need to know is I spent my entire day with an overpowering sense of déjà vu lingering around following me like a dark cloud. Ah yes, I've been here before SO MANY TIMES before.
My day started out full of intention and I planned for my Saturday to be full of filling up my servant's heart and taking care of chores I had put off all week. My youngest (The Other Sister, which is a blog title for another entry I just uncovered as I was typing away and my mind was spiraling in a whole other direction momentarily) and I served at a local church's mobile food pantry which is always a wonderful way to connect with your community. I received the call to retrieve my kid just as we were wrapping up and making plans for lunch. I had a fleeting moment of looking up at the sky like, "Really God, is this what I get for doing as you command?" There was a time I never would have done anything to serve again. I'm glad I'm not her anymore. I fight with Him a lot more than I'd like to admit. He is ALWAYS pushing me to do things I do NOT necessarily want to do. In addition to this story, Kayleigh's father is facing what may or not be a terminal illness y'all. He's maybe 110 pounds soaking wet currently with a list of conditions that is long and arduous. He's been THROUGH it the past six months after a simple gall bladder removal surgery, in and out of treatment centers with no answers or any clear direction as symptoms worsen and his systems deteriorate. To add injury to insult, his wife passed away a few short weeks ago and it can only be assumed that her poor heart just couldn't bear the heavy load of watching her husband waste away any longer. I knew in my very soul if I didn't step up and show some humanity here, he might very well just do that, waste away. God has instructed me to make sure he gets the care he deserves and not let anything fall through the cracks. So here I am, obeying and it ain't always the picture of a true giver and sometimes it's pretty frustrating.
Is it alright with y'all if I don't really have a point here? Sometimes you just need to get it out. A release. Today I don't feel okay. Is it okay if I'm not okay, just for today? Tomorrow is a new day right? I guess maybe that's my point. That whole humanity thing. I feel like it's lost in society. So much overlooked. Worrying about me and mine all the time. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. I'm always so worried about people feeling alone when they don't have to because of knowing all too well what that feels like, whether self induced or not. I'm not really in a position to be so concerned with others, but I am. All of the time. It's a heavy weight I just cannot explain. Anyhow, it's good to be back. I hope I can commit to this moving forward this time. Me and my commitment issues. I know I need to. For now, I will sit here and contemplate what it is to sit in the calm after the storm...