Faithless. I've walked the earth this way most of my time here, wondering why I just couldn't get it right. I had myself convinced I could get by without it. What had God ever really done for me anyway? I'll tell you what. He gave me a childhood that wasn't one I could look back on very fondly and what He prepared for me going forward didn't seem too much better. That was once my mentality anyway. I was wrong, as I have been a rather embarrassing amount of times. I didn't need God's love or anyone else's for that matter. Hearts were made to be broken and cynicism looked to be a much more acceptable way to cope with the heartbreak humans face rather than reaching out and accepting a Father who was always there, even if the one I was born to in a physical form was not. Maybe I didn't think I was deserving. In fact, I know that is how I once felt. I'm not really. You either. We only are because HE says we are. I've wasted almost two decades of the very finite span we have here with this way of thinking. Almost I said. I'm not quite 40, but entirely too close for comfort. I refused to trust Him, even though He was always holding my hands through the trenches, every single time. I wasn't worthy. I let every bad thing that had happened to me and every future broken promise I made to myself tell me I was not worthy. In complete transparency, I was afraid to be loved entirely and without boundaries the way He cherishes us. Oh how He loves us. Don't make me break out some Crowder on y'all.
I have hurt others selfishly while somehow managing to assure myself they deserved it. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. It was never for me to decide. I did anyway. My damage inside was enough to justify so strategically throwing the focus off of me and the fact that I wasn't fixing any of it, only contributing to it. Why was I so afraid to be who He intended me to be? Forever following the crowd, never allowing my soul to flourish, unable to comprehend that tragedy was meant to be transformed into triumph. I want to interject a minute and let everyone know who is new to this blog that I may lead you down an incomprehensible rabbit hole of sorts at times. Well trained writers are more apt to produce an eloquent train of thought. My Stevie Nicks gypsy soul inspired brand of relaying my message through written word tends to digress. I'm just a wanderer that way. Yes, I am one of THOSE people. I get distracted easily. Sometimes, it's by a blade of grass that stands out a bit more than the others, one that the morning dew kissed a little more sweetly than the rest. There is beauty in everything and I am that person that looks for it everywhere I go. See? There I go. All over off in left field.
ANYWAY, the one thing I can say about having a bit of a splintered spirit with sewn back together fragmented parts is that it has allowed me to have one heck of an altruistic heart. I think I have always been a giver, even in times I didn't feel I possessed one thing to pass on to another person. I've just always had this insatiable need to DO something. I had no clue how to nurture and grow that however. Man, at what I could have been if I had done so earlier in my years. That's okay though. I'm starting to get a real handle on my potential (after I reluctantly handed it over to the one who gave it to me in the first place and had FAITH in what I could not see with my blind eyes). It's selfish though when you think about it. I have a need that has to be filled. To give. How ironic. I am really searching to find that balance and how to use my gifts effectively without bleeding this heart of mine dry to a barren desert. There is no middle ground with me. I either love too much or not nearly enough. You best believe that if something or someone pulls that passion out of me, I am relentless. At the same time, if it doesn't invoke inspiration and captivate my attention, I can be pretty emotionless if prompted to. I am working on all of that as well.
Can I tell you one thing about faith that should stand out more than anything else you read here tonight? I have had to fight myself to hold close to it here lately. There have been some pretty dark days around these parts. Let me invite you into the lesson I am currently learning. This is where He has uncovered what has always been planned for me. It's hard to see sometimes, but I don't need to see it. I can feel it. His direction runs through my veins like the blood my body needs to operate. He has called me to be an instrument in His hands. He doesn't give me a choice. He pursues my heart like no one ever has before. He just asks me to trust, especially when I do not know how deep the waters are. And I am.
When I started my walk with God, I tried to be a copycat of every other follower I knew or saw or read about. I am uncovering what I have always known, my journey with Him is my own. It may not look to you what that cookie cutter Christian should be. I still participate in libations and it wouldn't be uncommon to hear me say a word that isn't becoming of a lady. I don't always watch what I should on Netflix and my music choices are for sure not necessarily always in the Lauren Daigle genre you'll find below. I catch myself sinning all over the spectrum daily, but I recognize it now and man, I try my hardest to remedy the ones I know are most detrimental to me. I want to work on the other ones too, in time. I guess what I want to say to you is that your sins do not define you. They just don't. Your ability to see them, see past them, and want to overcome them is who you really are. It takes faith. That word can be so cloudy. It's this balloon we clutch so tightly in our hands and if we happen to let it go even just for a second, it can drift out of our reach into a sky so much bigger than we are.
Another thing I want to touch on before I close out, maintaining that faith is something personal but you have to be sure you are surrounded by like minded individuals to remind you of who you are and what God has in store for you. He created us that way. You need other people, the right ones. You'll have to change your way of thinking first before He allows those people to become your safe place. That doesn't mean you get to be all fault-finding of folks who are not believers. Not the definition of Christianity. It just isn't. Oh, and by the way, there are going to be some that don't understand, it could even be the people you actually keep close to you in your current circle. Not everyone is going to get you. It takes all kinds of kinds to keep this world spinning on its axis so just accept it and move on. Don't stay there because you've got more important things to do.
Will you do me a favor and stay here awhile? Maybe read this one more time. Sit here with me in my thoughts a minute. Soak it in, let it saturate and permeate through the hidden places, the ones you don't let anyone see. Don't conceal who you are anymore. Be who God made you to be. It will take you through those poignant moments, the ones that stick with you. It will also allow you to feel the highest sense of euphoria in those celebratory photographic snapshots we hold so close.
It's Never Too Late. Beyond grateful He brought these dry bones back to life...