Beauty for Ashes

Settle in. We're gonna be here awhile. Where do I even begin? I tell myself daily that I should be continuing to tell our story, that what my family and I have been through must be chronicled and communicated. When you live in constant chaos and everything feels it's in a state of never ending upside down, the last thing you want to do is relive it through your words. It can be healing, well; it IS healing I suppose. That's why I have such a love of the written word. It has the power to ease the pain of hardships and challenges, like the lyrics of your favorite song you listen to over and over again. Anyone that knows me is very aware that music and prose are my go to when life falls apart or just to get through this life in general. They tandemly work together to help me feel the entire vast rainbow of emotions we as humans must endure. 

I don't believe my struggles are any worse than yours. What we experience belongs to us. We are the only ones that feel it in our very core and no one gets to take that away from us. Not one person has the right to tell you how to feel or "to get over it". Alongside of that, I want you to know that the snake of deception existing within judgment is a thief of your very soul. It has the ability to rip from you the life God intended for each of us and make you nothing less than a mere sliver of existence. I know because I have stayed in those cold, dark solitary places of condemnation believing the lies and assumptions conjured up by those who had no idea what it was to navigate down the twisted roads I have had to travel. Everyone has their own opinion and sure, they're entitled to whatever they formulate in their small mindedness about things they know nothing about, but they don't lay any claim on you or your situations that only YOU are fighting through. Listen, the next time you've got a critic in your corner, ask them if they'd like to suit up in armor and battle beside you through the storms in your life. No? Didn't think so. 

As I dig into the meat and potatoes of this particular blog, I want you to know that I'm a lot of things to a lot of people. Some know me and have a right to say some of the things they do and some don't. I'm a sinner just like you and my closet stretches way back filled with dusty old skeletons I am less than proud of. I've done my best to grow flowers from this desolate soil that has been thirsty for more than I could give it for most of my life. I work on myself with various means of self development, but I have a long way to go. The important part is that I try, every single day. I won't give up, no matter what I face. That survivor mechanism is programmed into the deepest intricacies of my inner workings and I'm damn proud of that part of me. I cling to it because without it, I would have given up so long ago. Thank you, God, for knowing just how to put me together. Sorry it's taking me so long to figure out how to use it all for your glory.

So here we go. My child became a ward of the state this past week. As a mother, for me to tell you that, crushes me in ways you won't ever even conceive of. At least I hope you don't ever have to. It is my job first and foremost to keep her safe, to protect her, to ensure she stays out of harm's way. Circumstances beyond my control eventually prevented me from being able to do that. I can imagine as you hold your newborn babies, watch your toddlers play at the park, send your teenagers off to school, you're thinking to yourself, how could she let it get that far? There is no way I would EVER release custody of my child to total strangers. What a horrible mother she must be. Well, I feel those things too. I know it's the devil's work, seeping into that nurturing component I acquired when I became a mother, first feeling that flutter in my belly, that's making me feel overwhelmingly inadequate. You see, I should be taking her to pick out a prom dress and remind her to study for that Algebra II exam she's been putting off. That isn't her reality and it makes me hurt for her and for myself. Instead, I have had to watch her be transferred from one institution to the next. I've had to press my hand against the glass to pretend to feel the warmth of her hand while visiting her in jail. Beg her through tearful cries to come home for hours in front of dilapidated homes whose residents I did not know. Plead with the police to help me keep my daughter in my home and off of the streets. Scream, cuss, and cry at clueless physicians who had no idea what to do next. There is not a resource in or around this county I have not tried and they all failed her. I let go and let God take over and what I had to watch her go through and what I endured was absolute HELL. We ran out of options and those in the position to provide were not able to any longer because Kayleigh was not receptive and the sickness inside of her took full control. There are situations you don't understand because you have never had to go through them. There is no fault in that. I love my daughter. No one could love her more besides our Father in heaven. I have sat in court twice in the past two weeks and had a judge, lawyers, and DFCS pour over every detail of our lives. This had become the only thread of hope I had to hold onto so that my child did not become a statistic. What that has done to me inside is gut wrenching. This is how our systems are built however and I was willing to sacrifice being placed on some registry I did not belong on if it meant my child would receive proper care and treatment. That did not happen and for that I am thankful. God blessed our case with a judge who is very well aware of our broken mental health system and saw my daughter for the unique young lady she is. She went so far as to take her robe off and remind me she is just a human being underneath her esteemed title. She teared up with me. The whole courtroom seemed to do the same. It was in that moment that I knew everything we had been through was worth it. At all costs, I was committed to upholding the priority of my child's safety. I went so far as to call our governor's wife in total desperation before making the decision to release custody. I was fielded to two different representatives who didn't follow up as I had hoped. My child was not taken from me, it was way worse than that for me. To keep fighting for her, I had to get past myself and realize I could no longer meet her needs because the programs implemented to assist me couldn't either. The bottom line is no one knew what to do. There is so much more I could tell you. Things that would horrify you and leave you staring wide-eyed and dumbfounded. I've rambled on enough. The end of this chapter in our lives hopefully uncovers the beauty and God's grand design for Kayleigh. She has been placed in a facility I pushed for her to be in long ago, but unfortunately it is self-pay and more costly than I could afford. It is meant for individuals to be looked at case by case, for their specific needs and assists them in graduating to the next phase in their lives with that in mind. She will receive the therapies and care she deserves under constant supervision. I am fortunate that I can be a big part of her healing process as well. I am still her mother and will pursue guardianship of her in June (a little known fact is that you can't apply for guardianship over someone until six months before their 18th birthday so there is a whole window when a child turns 17 when they are nearly untouchable; hence leading us to where we are now). There is a continuance of our case and the judge can dismiss the whole thing if she so chooses. The continuance is to make sure she is receiving proper care and a plan is in place so that she can find her normal and live a happy, sustaining life. My gratitude to Probate Judge Melanie M. Bell in Covington, GA is immense. 

I had someone text me not too long ago with words that sliced right through me. This person saw Kayleigh in a sad state and among what was said was something to the effect of how we don't generally like to share the bad things in our lives on social media like we do the good. That's true. I know I have bared my soul to you folks on here and there was a time I put a rather large spotlight on our lives and it wasn't pretty. My life isn't glamorous, due in part to my own fault largely. Oh at the monstrous messes I have made for myself. I also know I have been handed some situations that would make the mightiest of men shudder and I am still standing firmly rooted to the ground (most days). I share a lot of positivity on social media avenues and I haven't exposed the ugly in my life we have been facing because I want you to know that you can pull beauty out of ashes. Life is going to do its absolute best to pummel you to the ground, but you have to keep getting up, battered and bruised if you must. I'm doing my best to thrive, just like you. I ask you this one thing, don't be so quick to make disparaging remarks about others and their lives. You have no idea the mountains they are trying to move behind closed doors. I can promise you there are truly good people wrestling with beasts I pray you never see. It may look to you one way, but there are things you can't comprehend out there. Constant Kindness Can Accomplish Much.